What if....

Below is the journaling of my conversation with God today as I was coming home from Caribou. My disclaimer is that I have very scattered and often incoherent thoughts when I talk to God, even when I write them down.

Most days I live my life for the big events and moments, but what if those are not the things that define my life. What if it’s in the little moments? What if my true moments of clarity come from the everyday and the small happenstances that seem to clutter my life as I search and wait for the big events?

What if at the end of the day I am defined by the simple moments in my life? Moments like running through a parade with my best friend. Snippets like talking with the Caribou people and learning their interests and mine. Nights like dancing with your friends or running into the guy from school. What if the moments that made me understand life the most were simple 5am phone calls to say “hi” or conversations about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s head? Or the moments that brought the most joy are sitting in an airport with my dad or a simple reminder from God that “everything leads to Me.” Or crazy 3am conversations with your roommate about stupid things that boys do and say. Or allowing your make-up happy friend to put nasty stuff all over your face. Or loving people who are completely different from you? What if the “milestones” in our life really aren’t milestones but simple markers that we put up to cover up the truth: that life is small. And what if it’s ok that life is small?

Well, I don’t think things like moving to California or buying a house or working third shift matter too much anymore. In fact, these things almost become a deterrence. They are deterring me from embracing the true moments that define me; little moments that are filled with a big God. What if when we get to Heaven, all the moments in our life look the same to God? And what I would do if God asked me why I sacrificed the little moments in wait of the big one? What would I say?

I never understood talks on revolutions. Things like political and spiritual revivals always befuddled me. I have a desire to be greater than I currently am: I want to love with a greater capacity, feel with a greater capacity, and worship with a great capacity. But I never understood how I can even help one person out of poverty, let alone a whole community. I never understood how I can demonstrate Christ’s love to one person, let alone a whole nation. And I never understood how to turn a desire for revolution into action. I expect revolutions to look powerful or make a big statement. But what if those statements are never made on earth? But what if I already am loving one person like Christ would? What if my Caribou moments and late night conversations are impacting Heaven? What if Heaven is never impacted by my big events but forever changed by the insignificant moments? Well, I guess that would make me appreciate relationships more. It would make me want to smile at everyone and everything. It would make me want to take the long way to work everyday. And it would make me want to live for relationships rather than for moments or events.

In the end, I worship a God who is relational, a God who is about love and small things and small people; so shouldn’t my life be about relationships and love and small things and small people?

It’s like we live in a world where we buy into the lie that big events like graduation and careers define our next stage in life. What if life has no stages? What if we made it all up? Would I be ok with that? What would my life look like if I did not have a big thing to accomplish or do? What if the only thing that’s big is God and he’s only big in the small things? I think we would all love a little more and fight a little less. And I think I would finally be satisfied and content with who I am and where I am and not wait for moments to define me but just live life and smile at everyone.