My thoughts on trust
At church yesterday Kurt spoke a little about trust and how from the moment we meet someone we subconsciously put the other person on trial for trust. They do something, and it earns our trust; they don't do something, and they lose our trust. And I think this theory sums up my generation's attitude on trust pretty well: everyone is on trial all the time when it comes to trust. This may or may not be a bad thing, except that everyone is human and therefore everyone will fail someone else's trust at some point or another.
Last week I had a chance to talk to Marti Kidd, who is on staff with the Navigators. I had to interview her about trust for my purchasing class and I asked her about her views on trust for my generation. First, she told me how when she was growing up, her friends and family naturally trusted people without the other party needing to "prove themselves." Then she told that she thinks my generation is less trusting then her generation, that we are always looking for signs of trust before we will place our trust in the other person. But here's the beautiful part of what Marti said: she said that this lack of trust that she sees in my generation comes from the fact that we no longer have good examples of trust in our lives; aka her generation has let my generation down. From divorce to politics to whatever, that it's not a coincidence that my generation is looking for proof. I thought what she said was really poignant and also true. But also very sad.
I want to trust people with an open heart and to do so without them having to prove themselves trustworthy. It's like my generation has lost the childlike faith that is needed to trust and instead almost expects the other person to let them down. It's like we almost look for ways for people to fail us and when we do we either 1. Say I told you so or 2. Say I don't understand how this could have happened.
I'm not saying that we lax the trust rules and go around making poor decisions and choices in friendships and relationships. I think I'm saying that we need to forgive better and not hold people to such high of expectations; because the higher you are, the harder and faster you fall.
A few weeks ago 2 close friends and I had "the burrito incident" where I had thought that I lost my trust in them completely and really didn't know how our friendships were going to heal and move on from this. It's true what they say that the closer a person is to you, the more they can hurt you with the little things. Anyways, I remember telling my friend that I really don't trust them anymore and that "if you can't be there for me in the little things, how can you be there for me in the big things." But the things is, these people are my friends. And of course they are going to let me down, but the thing is, they didn't do it on purpose. Although I had truly thought they did do it on purpose and "should have obviously known," they didn't. And it's no one's fault. I let one mistake, one tiny little thing, decide their feelings and attitudes towards me for the next one hundred years. As if "the burrito incident" was going to happen everyday, everytime, we were together. "The burrito incident" may happen again in the future (in fact, I know it will) but should that make me trust my friends any less? NO, we all make mistakes and sometimes make the same ones over and over again, but in the gap between the mistakes and trust is LOVE. And so here's the thing: trust isn't solely based on what the other person does. If it was, then I'd have no friends and no one to trust me and no one for me to trust, but it based on something more. It's based on the other person's heart and desire: what I mean is, trust is based our desire to serve and and be with the other person. Ultimately, my friends desire to be there for me, and sometimes that comes out looking like a big mess but their heart's in the right place and although what happened still hurts when I think about it, I also think about how this last week they were there for me during some of my roughest moments. And I know that "the burrito incident" was just an incident and not something for me to base our future trust and friendship on.
I think we take this whole, "don't break my trust and if you do, it can never be mended again" thing too seriously. At least, I know I do. I don't think trust really works like that. Yeah, if someone continuously lies to me or breaks my trust then I would probably not trust that person; but in general, I say go for it. Trust everyone, don't let them prove themselves because that takes too long and we can start becoming too legalistic about it as well. I say, no more trials and more open trust.
Last week I had a chance to talk to Marti Kidd, who is on staff with the Navigators. I had to interview her about trust for my purchasing class and I asked her about her views on trust for my generation. First, she told me how when she was growing up, her friends and family naturally trusted people without the other party needing to "prove themselves." Then she told that she thinks my generation is less trusting then her generation, that we are always looking for signs of trust before we will place our trust in the other person. But here's the beautiful part of what Marti said: she said that this lack of trust that she sees in my generation comes from the fact that we no longer have good examples of trust in our lives; aka her generation has let my generation down. From divorce to politics to whatever, that it's not a coincidence that my generation is looking for proof. I thought what she said was really poignant and also true. But also very sad.
I want to trust people with an open heart and to do so without them having to prove themselves trustworthy. It's like my generation has lost the childlike faith that is needed to trust and instead almost expects the other person to let them down. It's like we almost look for ways for people to fail us and when we do we either 1. Say I told you so or 2. Say I don't understand how this could have happened.
I'm not saying that we lax the trust rules and go around making poor decisions and choices in friendships and relationships. I think I'm saying that we need to forgive better and not hold people to such high of expectations; because the higher you are, the harder and faster you fall.
A few weeks ago 2 close friends and I had "the burrito incident" where I had thought that I lost my trust in them completely and really didn't know how our friendships were going to heal and move on from this. It's true what they say that the closer a person is to you, the more they can hurt you with the little things. Anyways, I remember telling my friend that I really don't trust them anymore and that "if you can't be there for me in the little things, how can you be there for me in the big things." But the things is, these people are my friends. And of course they are going to let me down, but the thing is, they didn't do it on purpose. Although I had truly thought they did do it on purpose and "should have obviously known," they didn't. And it's no one's fault. I let one mistake, one tiny little thing, decide their feelings and attitudes towards me for the next one hundred years. As if "the burrito incident" was going to happen everyday, everytime, we were together. "The burrito incident" may happen again in the future (in fact, I know it will) but should that make me trust my friends any less? NO, we all make mistakes and sometimes make the same ones over and over again, but in the gap between the mistakes and trust is LOVE. And so here's the thing: trust isn't solely based on what the other person does. If it was, then I'd have no friends and no one to trust me and no one for me to trust, but it based on something more. It's based on the other person's heart and desire: what I mean is, trust is based our desire to serve and and be with the other person. Ultimately, my friends desire to be there for me, and sometimes that comes out looking like a big mess but their heart's in the right place and although what happened still hurts when I think about it, I also think about how this last week they were there for me during some of my roughest moments. And I know that "the burrito incident" was just an incident and not something for me to base our future trust and friendship on.
I think we take this whole, "don't break my trust and if you do, it can never be mended again" thing too seriously. At least, I know I do. I don't think trust really works like that. Yeah, if someone continuously lies to me or breaks my trust then I would probably not trust that person; but in general, I say go for it. Trust everyone, don't let them prove themselves because that takes too long and we can start becoming too legalistic about it as well. I say, no more trials and more open trust.
posted by chen at 7:05 PM
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