Here's part of a 3-way email conversation I had today with Susan and Jordan. I need advice, so please let me know what you think.

Me:
Hey guys,

so this wierd thing happened to me at church yesterday and I want your opinions on it (Jordan-this was my story for you yesterday). So I usually sit by Laura Ibsen at church but yestrday she was late and didn't have a phone on her so I started looking for a seat myself. Church fills up really fast so I was looking for a spot and this guy said that he could move over and let me squeeze in. So I sit down and the guy's like my name is Mike what's your name. So I tell him my name and we make the small courtesy social talk. So the band starts playing and I'm pretty much ignoring the guy and staring away at this point as I really had nothing to say to him. He keeps talking me and then during the welcome song asks me for my phone number. He was like, I should get your number so that we can talk later this week (or something along those lines). I didn't really know what to do or say so I say "sure" and give him one of those awkward smiles that you give when you don't know what to say but want to fill up space and time.
Well, Laura finds me once service starts and I move in so that she can sit next to me. But all during service I was trying to figure out a way to not give out my number. I really couldn't come up with a good excuse or way to get out of church early or whatever. So at the end of the service he asks me for my number. Once again I say "sure" and give him my number. (BTW- sure means no, it's a simple coverup for those of us who don't like saying no to people) By this point I think I'm starting to look really frazzled but I give him my number and then take off like a rabbit to say hi to my friend Matt.
Now, is this a common occurence at church? I was thinking, or hoping, that maybe I've spent too much time in bars, schools, etc where the only time a guy asks you for your number in the first couple of minutes of meeting you is to ask you out. I was thinking maybe he's like a Mike Iverson and likes to overstretch the boundaries of typical social protocol. I don't know.
I told my friend about what happened and he said I should just screen my calls and not answer the phone. But doesn't that seem unChristian of me? Maybe this guy really just wants to be friends and that's how people do things in the world of Edina. So yeah, I need advice, does this incident seem shady to you guys?

Susan:
haha...chen that is so funny. now i wish i would have gone with you.i find it kind of akward that he asked you for your number after just talkingwith him for what, 5 mins. but then again maybe he felt sparks talking to youin those 5 mins. did he seem like a nice guy. at least out of high school?maybe he was dumbfound by your beauty and he forgot where he was and how toact? or maybe he was a mike iverson. either way, it can't hurt to talk to himand see what he wants. screening and not answering is mean. i know what itfeels like to give your number away when you dont want to and then have thatperson call you. but think of it this way. you go to that church and heprobably does to, what if he calls you this week and you screen and ignore it,and then see him next week. isn't that going to be a little more akward. eventhough i didn't want to talk to the guy from escape, i still did because ididn't want to seem mean and it be akward if i ever went back there and he wasworking.unless the guy was creepy and starts to stalk you, then thats another story.

Jordan:
Yes it seems shady to me. Extremely shady. I might not be the one toask, because I am the kind of guy who strives to NEVER be that guy whojust asks for a number within two minutes of meeting--i.e., theoverbearing guy that won't leave a poor girl alone. This might be whyI'm always single because I err too much on the other side...but Iabsolutely don't want to be that annoying guy. So I look upon peoplelike this guy with a very cynical view. Anyway, I know Chris Hill wouldagree with me when I say that guy is definitely interested in more thanjust being friends (which is ridiculous, since he just met you). CouldI be wrong? Yes. But I put it at 95% that he has a romantic interest. How to handle that? I have no idea. That's why I'm glad I'm not agirl. If he calls, which I'm sure he will, I suppose you could:1. Screen his call. And continue to avoid him. The problem with thisis that it requires lots of effort on your part...and hopefully he'llcatch the signal, but it seems like people with his very forwardpersonality often miss such signals. This would mean eventually youmight have to be blunt anyway. It might only delay the inevitable.2. Answer when he calls and bluntly tell him you're not interested inbeing more than friends. The problem is that if he really only wants tobe friends (doubtful) this will seem presumptuous of you.3. Answer the phone, he'll probably want to meet somewhere alone withyou. You can go and as he gets more and more forward, which I bet hewill, you tell him you're not interested.That's about all I can come up with. Thoughts? Let me apologize onbehalf of the morons in my gender.

Susan:
those three things that jordan said are true. you can dodge thebullet, be forward and tell him you don't want anything, or give it a whirl.but if you are not interested, don't waste your time and his. but the problemwith this is that sometimes you just aren't sure. even when you think you are,you can be wrong. maybe this guy really does just want to be friends. and inthat case. use your best judgment, do you really want to invest in him andspend time being his friend. first impressions mean a lot to me, a lot oftimes in the first few minutes you can feel things out and know if you want toget to know the person. is that the case with this dude? or were you justbeing nice? if thats the case, tell him your in your last semester and superbusy with work and class and just spending time with your other friends. he'llget the point....hopefully. jordan's right, some people are oblivious.

Jordan:
That actually sounds quite wise. Yes, it is an annoying thing to have to deal with this guy, but when put in perspective...it's not the end of the world. You can answer his call and if he freaks you out you can remove yourself from him at that point. I don't know. I suck at relationships. I think Suze makes sense.

Me:
Don't worry Jordan, I suck at relationships tooa dn I appreciate you apologizing for the male race.
Well, I'm not really sure what I'll do. I agree with Suz though that if I ever did run into this guy at church again (although I don't know if I would recognize him) it would be mean and awkward to not have returned his call. But I also know myself, if someone calls me to ask to talk and hang out and I cannot fully confirm their interest me then I will always say yes because I feel mean otherwise (like Suz said). But then you get into trouble because you run the possiblity of leading someone on. I definately have no interest in this guy, and this sounds kind of mean, but I really don't want to be his friend either. He was too talkative for me. (BTW- he's not in high school, I think he does something in printing, whatever that's suppose to mean)
So I guess the question is, does a guy get hurt more if you say yes and then tell him no face to face, or if you say no right away and just be the jerk that wants no friends?


And this is where the conversation is at. So as you can all see, I have had a very busy morning (actually I have a lot of work to do today). But I'm still unsure as to what to do, mostly because I don't want to be a jerk to people. Mean people aren't very nice or loving or Christlike. So if anyone has a really genius idea as to how I can get out of this situation, please let me know.

What if....

Below is the journaling of my conversation with God today as I was coming home from Caribou. My disclaimer is that I have very scattered and often incoherent thoughts when I talk to God, even when I write them down.

Most days I live my life for the big events and moments, but what if those are not the things that define my life. What if it’s in the little moments? What if my true moments of clarity come from the everyday and the small happenstances that seem to clutter my life as I search and wait for the big events?

What if at the end of the day I am defined by the simple moments in my life? Moments like running through a parade with my best friend. Snippets like talking with the Caribou people and learning their interests and mine. Nights like dancing with your friends or running into the guy from school. What if the moments that made me understand life the most were simple 5am phone calls to say “hi” or conversations about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s head? Or the moments that brought the most joy are sitting in an airport with my dad or a simple reminder from God that “everything leads to Me.” Or crazy 3am conversations with your roommate about stupid things that boys do and say. Or allowing your make-up happy friend to put nasty stuff all over your face. Or loving people who are completely different from you? What if the “milestones” in our life really aren’t milestones but simple markers that we put up to cover up the truth: that life is small. And what if it’s ok that life is small?

Well, I don’t think things like moving to California or buying a house or working third shift matter too much anymore. In fact, these things almost become a deterrence. They are deterring me from embracing the true moments that define me; little moments that are filled with a big God. What if when we get to Heaven, all the moments in our life look the same to God? And what I would do if God asked me why I sacrificed the little moments in wait of the big one? What would I say?

I never understood talks on revolutions. Things like political and spiritual revivals always befuddled me. I have a desire to be greater than I currently am: I want to love with a greater capacity, feel with a greater capacity, and worship with a great capacity. But I never understood how I can even help one person out of poverty, let alone a whole community. I never understood how I can demonstrate Christ’s love to one person, let alone a whole nation. And I never understood how to turn a desire for revolution into action. I expect revolutions to look powerful or make a big statement. But what if those statements are never made on earth? But what if I already am loving one person like Christ would? What if my Caribou moments and late night conversations are impacting Heaven? What if Heaven is never impacted by my big events but forever changed by the insignificant moments? Well, I guess that would make me appreciate relationships more. It would make me want to smile at everyone and everything. It would make me want to take the long way to work everyday. And it would make me want to live for relationships rather than for moments or events.

In the end, I worship a God who is relational, a God who is about love and small things and small people; so shouldn’t my life be about relationships and love and small things and small people?

It’s like we live in a world where we buy into the lie that big events like graduation and careers define our next stage in life. What if life has no stages? What if we made it all up? Would I be ok with that? What would my life look like if I did not have a big thing to accomplish or do? What if the only thing that’s big is God and he’s only big in the small things? I think we would all love a little more and fight a little less. And I think I would finally be satisfied and content with who I am and where I am and not wait for moments to define me but just live life and smile at everyone.

Bless the Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lovers arms
This much I know, is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

The above is a song by Rascal Flatts. This is probably one of my two most favorite worship songs, that's right I said worship song. I think this song is such a beautiful description of our relationship with Jesus. In fact, I think there are alot of "secular" music out there that describe beautifully our relationship with God, often times better than Christian music. I just finished reading a great book by Donald Miller and in the book he talked about how our relationship with God can only be described through examples of our relationship with other people or experiences but that there is no logical way to textbook out God's love. And I think that's why songs like the above by Rascal Flatts make me think of Christ, because the emotions that songs like these stir are about as close to words as I can go to describe the greatness of Jesus.

Fine print

So I have been at work bored and without any real work for the last couple of hours. Why do companies pay people to sit around and do nothing? It seems like such a waste of money and time. No wonder Wallstree loves people like Chainsaw Al who cut half of the fat in a company. Not that I'm saying my company is fat, but I really can't stand not having lots and lots of work. I'm one of those people who likes to work under stress. I like knowing that when I have one thing finished there is another thing waiting for. Yet, that's usually not the way it works. People will give me work to do, but then not give me all the stuff that I need so I sit arond waiting on people...boring. Ok enough about work.

I'm going to this business conference in Chicago in Feb and the thing is suppose to be completely paid for and reimbursed by the people running the show. Well, the cost is not completely covered. Currently (and I say currently because I have only started to make my travel arrangements) I have had to pay $25 for the conference fee, $22 for my plan ticket, about $60 for a round trip taxi from the airport to the hotel and back, and who knows what else. I figure I'll have spent about $100 on the entire conference, not bad, but definately not in the fine print when I signed up for this thing. I swear this is how life works: everyone makes things sound fine and dandy, but then you get screwed in the fine print.

Choices

Yesterday I went out to lunch with some people from General Mills. The lunch was for all the U of M new Supply Chain hirs (that's 3 people). At the lunch I found out two things. The first exciting thing is that there are still locations open for the LMA position. So this morning I emailed our HR person to find out which locations they were: Milwaukee and Carson, CA. Carson is right outside of LA and was one of my top 3 or 4 choices for plant locations. So now here's my choice: do I ask to be transferred to Carson or do I stay in MN?
I would have never considered moving to a different plant location except for the past couple of weeks I've been in one of those moods where you wish you could go to a brand new place and start over and try something new and exciting. This is a phase that I go through at the beginning and end of each semester, and usually I'll wind up going somewhere: Denmark, Boston, wherever for a short time and satisfy my desire for change. Now, if I want to get out, it'll have to be for 2 years. That's a long time. But still, it's exciting to think about all the possibilities that LA can bring (although I'm actually not that big of a West Coast fan) and I would be oozing out rent money to a very liberal state...but maybe I'll suprise myself and everyone else by going there. Maybe. I've been known to make inportant decisions on a whim, probably not such a good idea but what can you do?

The other cool thing from yesterday's lunch was that it reaffirmed my view that we live in a well-connected, relational world. For example, the girl that I rode to the luncheon with turned out to know alot of the same people that I did and will be my demand planner when I start work this August (if I stay in Chan) and the guy who works at Chan who was also at lunch just got promoted and will be my LOP. So already I know a couple of the people that I will be working with. And if I go to Carson, I'll be back in yogurt and I already know a few of the LOPs from my internship this summer.
And, when I went to Boston over break I started talking to this girl at the airport (I like talking to people at the airport if I'm waiting a long time) and it turns out we had worked together when I was 16! I love all these little intricies and webs that our relationships with people spin. It's proof that we were made to be in relationships with people!

The strange men in my life

This week I have already had two wierd encounters with men:

1. On Monday afternoon I took a nap in my living room. I usually don't lock my apartment door during the day because I believe I live in a relatively safe apartment building. So I'm taking my nap and I have my music on when I was startled awake by this man who had walked into my living room.
Here I must describe me place a little bit: When you walk into my apartment you will see the kitchen to your right and then must either walk through the kitchen to get to the living room or walk through a fairly long hallway to get to the living room. In other words, you do not wind up in the living room by "accident."
So I wake up to see this guy approaching the main part of the living room. He sees me wake up and begins to say I'm sorry. I sat up right away and gave him about 10 seconds to walk away. He didn't walk away so I begin to stand up and walk towards him and the door. He begins to back up. When we approach the front door, there's this other guy standing there and now he's telling me he's sorry. Both of these guys are still standing inside my apartment and instead of leaving, they keep telling me how sorry they are. So after a few more seconds of this, I finally say quietly to these people "get out" and start making my way towards them and the door. They back out and I lock my door immediately after that.
Since this incident, I have now started to lock my apartment door and get a creepy sensation when it's dark outside and I'm home alone. I realized last night that these men could have done anything to my place and to me, and no one would have even know until much later. Creepy.

2. I was walking home last night from my night class and crossed paths with this college student. He said "hi" to me in Chinese and I smile and nod. Before he spoke I thought I knew him from school, but after he said hi, I knew I didn't know him. Anyways, he then says something else in Chinese that I did not comprehend in the moment, and then he repeated what he said. I gave him a really confused look and said "What?" and shook my head as to say "I don't understand." So he goes nevermind and continues to walk on. I turn around and start walking home and right as I started to cross the street I realized the guy said "I love you" to me. Now, as far as I'm concerned, you don't say that to strangers when it's dark and late at night, even if you are trying to impress them with your language skills. A "how are you" whould have sufficed. So I'm walking home in the creepy darkness that violates my street, all the while thinking "man alive, who says that and boy is that creepy." I still have seven more weeks of class left, if things like this continue to happen I will seriously need to get myself a walking buddy. Creepy.

So like I told my friend Jordan: GUYS ARE CREEPY, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S DARK OUTSIDE.

Hierarchy

I work at "corporate" and all it really means is that I happen to work in the same infrastructure as the "big wigs" of the company. This summer at worked at a plant, all this means is that I was working with the lowly workmen who actually produce the products that make the big wigs "big." I have been at work for close to three months now and here is what I have noticed:

1. I got no respect at the plant. When I was working in the plant, the people at corporate, and especially those at the plant, were not very, hmmm...how should I say this, "acquiescent" to my requests. It didn't matter if my request was a top priority for the company or if it would make their lives easier, it usually took people a long time to get around to what I needed them to do.

2. Now that I'm at corporate, people are actually apologizing to me. I sent out a request for someone at one of our plants to do something today. The request was important, but didn't need to be done today. The email was brief and, in my opinion, could have also been worded nicer and fluffed up more. I wasn't really expecting an answer from anyone for awhile, if at all, and continued on with my work. About 2 hours later I get an email back from this person with a "high importance" tag next to the email and him telling me how sorry he was that he hadn't gotten to it earlier.

Now to put some perspective on the two points: Before at the plant I was essentially asking someone to fix my radiator, now I am asking someone to refill my windshield wiper fluid. Yet I get so much more urgency from the windshield wiper guy than from the radiator guy- both of which take equal time to do.

So I have to ask myself, why the sudden difference in attitude? It could be because people in NE are poopchunks and just don't like doing things, but I have to correspond with people all over the US now and all of them respond with this level of urgency that I have never experienced before. My conclusions is simply the fact that I am "at corporate." My title has not changed, in fact on every email I put my title as "LOP Intern." I suppose an "LOP Intern" is better than a "DMA intern" but I'm a lowly intern nonetheless. It's just that people have this fascination with corporate, as if it's this magical land where all your dreams come true. As if somehow in life there is this totem pole and that plants and their workers are always at the bottom.

This makes me very angry. I want people to do something because it's important and because its their job or good for the company; not because someone at "corporate" told them to do so. It's like the whole world lives by a totem pole mentality and we prioritize things and life in this way. I want to live in a blob, and in my blob all things are of equal importance and I do not classify things simply because one looks more important than the other or dresses better or has "big wigs" living in them.

I say we all stick to the totem pole people and live life like it's a blob.

Victoria's Secret

I listen to KS95 when I am getting ready in the mornings and at around 7am they usually do a hot topic sort of segment. Today's thing was on little girls (12-13 year olds) buying "sexy" things from Victoria's Secret. Everyone on the radio thought this was a horrible thing and was totally grossed out by it. But as always, they have listeners call in and give their opinions. So this mom called in and talked about how she liked to buy her 12 year old daughter pretty underwear and camisoles and the like. And the people on the radio were like, gross- you should not be dressing/teaching your daughter like that. Another woman called in and said how she liked to buy her daughter "feminine" underwear from VS. Finally, someone with common sense called in. She worked at VS and said how these 12-13 year old girls would come into the store to buy things that she (a 20 year old) were embarassed to buy and wear.
So this got me thinking. Is this trend VS's fault or is it the parents or is it the media? I am 21 years old. Although I am very petite and skinny for my age, I have seen 12 year old girls and even the most developed ones aren't that much bigger than me. I say this because I cannot really fit into any of the sizes at VS. It's been a very long time since I have been inside that store, but this lead me to think a couple of things:
1. Perhaps VS has shrunk their sizes so that little girls can fit into their clothes
2. Perhaps 12 year old girls are becoming more developed than current high school and college girls
I don't know what the size range at VS is, but if little girls can fit into VS clothes then there is something wrong with VS. Little girls should not be shopping at that store and their moms should not encourage such behavior. Seriously, talk about girls selling themselves short. I blame the parents. Girls don't know what types of underwear are "sexy," they are taught it by their moms. And when these girls then learn about these things, they share it with other girls. But the root cause goes back to the moms. Media plays a role. But I hardly think a TV ad geared towards adult men and women can have such an impactful influence on little girls. VS plays a huge role, but even then the store displays are geared towards older women and perverted men. It's just hard for me to believe that a 12 year old can mistake advertising geared towards the 18+ (which is who VS says they target) for things that are attractive to them. Little girls always want to be big girls, but I really think the parents are the ones that encourage these thoughts to become action.

I love Greg

Every morning the security guard at work says hi to me and asks me how I am doing. He is always smiling and chipper, never sad, never in a bad mood. There are about 1000 people that work at corporate and Greg knows every single person's name. He says hi to every one and always has something special to say to them. The great thing about Greg is that he seems like a very genuine person and everyone likes saying hi to to him. He is definately the highlight of my mornings. Which proves that everyone likes people that are nice.

Walking in Memphis

There are some songs that you sing along to and know all the words but have absolutely no idea what any of the words mean. The below song is one such example. The song bothers me very much for this reason. What does it mean to be walking in Memphis? Someone please help me answer this question.

Put on my blue suede shoes And I boarded the plane Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues In the middle of the pouring rain W.C. Handy -- won't you look down over me Yeah I got a first class ticket But I'm as blue as a boy can be
Then I'm walking in Memphis Walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale Walking in Memphis But do I really feel the way I feel Saw the ghost of Elvis On Union Avenue Followed him up to the gates of Graceland Then I watched him walk right through Now security they did not see him They just hovered 'round his tomb But there's a pretty little thing Waiting for the King Down in the Jungle Room
(Chorus)
They've got catfish on the table They've got gospel in the air And Reverend Green be glad to see you When you haven't got a prayer But boy you've got a prayer in Memphis
Now Muriel plays piano Every Friday at the Hollywood And they brought me down to see her And they asked me if I would -- Do a little number And I sang with all my might And she said -- "Tell me are you a Christian child?" And I said "Ma'am I am tonight"
(Chorus)
Put on my blue suede shoes And I boarded the plane Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues In the middle of the pouring rain Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues In the middle of the pouring rain

Am I pregnant?

As a fairly modest girl there are a few things that I never want to be caught purchasing, and one of them is a pregnancy test. I went shopping earlier this week and was asked to pick up a pregnancy test for my aunt who wasn't feeling so well. I didn't want seem like the uncooperative kid so I agreed to stop by Target and pick one up.
Arriving at Target, I realize that they are sold out of most of their pregnancy test kits (perhaps people in Boston like to get busy around this time of year, I don't know). I've never really looked at or purchased one of these kits before so I had to go through all the brands pick out the one that was both fast and accurate (as my aunt was catching a plane later that afternoon). So whatever, I spent about 15 minutes doing that and then proceeded immediately to the checkout counter. A very nice old lady rang me up and I couldn't help but notice her checking my finger for the obvious lack of a ring. I wanted to say something like, "this isn't for me," but I figure denial would only lead her to think that I really am a slut so I just didn't say anything.
The next morning I woke up feeling really nauseated. I thought "maybe I didn't eat enough last night before I went to bed," so I hopped out of bed at 7 in the morning and went downstairs to grab my typical breakfast-orange juice. After drinking it I felt a little better but then decided that maybe it was my tiredness that is making me sick so I went back upstairs to get some sleep. A couple of hours later, the orange juice found itself in my trash can (if you know what I mean). Being a big baby, I went to see my mom and told her what happened:

Me: I just threw up and feel kind of sick.

Mom: You're not pregnant too are you?

Me: No.

Mom: That would be kind of weird if you were.

Me: Yeah it would be, I think I would be a scientific first.

Moments later after talking to my dad...
Mom (half laughing): You really scared us this morning by telling me that you threw up and was feeling nauseous. I really thought for a moment that you were pregnant too.

Me: What?!?

So between the purchasing of a pregnancy test and my morning sickness moment, I almost thought I was pregnant. But then I reminded myself that a little something needs to happen first before I can get pregnant.

Bored

I have now officially taken up residence in my parent's room. The bed in my room was too soft and made me feel really icky. However, because I am sick and weak I cannot leave this bed for if I do, I suffer the possibility of vertigo. The good news is I have now discovered that I have internet access if I do not move my body. Internet access has not been very helpful because I realized very quickly that I cannot do work from my home laptop so I will still be uber behind when I get to work on Thursday. Also today is Tuesday (I believe) so everyone I know is at work and therefore there is really no one to talk to online. So I think I will start be writing to everyone on my Facebook and then IMing people I haven't talked to in years and then, if I get really zealous, I might even throw my computer out the window and laugh at the boredom that I am currently experiencing.

So I got really sick yesterday in Boston. I managed a new feat- I threw up in every single room that I stayed in, which is pretty difficult to do since there's a lot of rooms at my parent's place. Because of this and also because the weather in Boston stinks like no other I can't go back to Minneapolis until Wednesday...but I'm a super smart person, so I'm hoping to sweet talk my parents into letting me go home on the 6pm flight tonight...so I now must find brilliant ways to sweet talk them.